Basic BDSM: Bring your fantasy to your bedroom
- by Daddy Dom
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I will forever remember the day I realized the lifestyle I had only ever dreamed possible, was actually my reality. Recently, Bratty knelt before me as I lifted her hair into a ponytail, and felt the titanium of my collar lock around her neck. I was in Heaven. Pure bliss. And couldn’t believe my fantasies were now a reality–and how in love with this woman I was. I was her protector, her Daddy, and her Dom.
How do we get there? How did we make the lifestyle we only ever dreamed of into our reality? A reality which spanned kinky realms, vanilla realms, and even into our work lives?
Through careful planning, a whole lot of patience when I wanted to jump two feet in the deep end of kinkery, and taking things slow. They say slow and steady wins the race, and in our case, slow and steady won the race to finding the place where love, kink, and life met perfectly.
And the slow, steady steps, ins and outs of the lifestyle, and negotiation go-tos you too can use to make the lifestyle of your dreams into a reality, are all right here, wrapped up in a bow, and sprinkled with all the love our dynamic shared.
Want a full Lifestyle or just Kink and what's the Difference
So what in the world is a lifestyle? And what makes it so different from just being kinky? Well—a lifestyle is just that–a LIFE style. No longer is kink confined to the bedroom, but it is a part of who you are and how you live life, how you relate to your partner.
Typically when looking at a lifestyle you will see:
- Rules spanning realms of both vanilla and kink life
- Titles used in public and private
- Various forms of discrete domination (e.g., submissives always walks on the right side of their Dom, only the Dom can open doors, etc)
- The power exchange or “roles” exist 24/7
As you can see, this is far more than just chains, whips, and gags in the bedroom. In a lifestyle, you truly live as either a submissive or a Dominant. Now switches may go back and forth between the two, but at any one moment they are either a submissive or a Dominant.
For example, I tell people I am submissive. It is who I am in the morning, in the evening, at all parts of my day, because it is truly WHO I AM. It is a part of me as much as being a sapiosexual, or a pansexual is. It is just who I am. I cannot feel romantic love without a power dynamic, it just doesn’t feel right. And I couldn’t imagine being submissive in the bedroom, and then, as soon as sex is over, going back to some sort of equal power. It just doesn’t feel right anymore.
That is because I live, and love, and love to live the lifestyle. It allows me to be the submissive woman and lover I was meant to be. I desire rules which govern my day, even simple ones like calling my Dominant “Sir”. But, trust me, I also enjoy those pushed up against the wall, feeling his ownership of me, begging for release moments you might see in bedroom kink. I just need the power dynamic to continue after the release occurs.
Setting the Pace
Now if reading that just made something click for you, or tingles occur throughout your body, or had you going “Exactly! That’s me too.” You most likely, are a lifestyler.
Granted, if you are reading this article there is at least some part of you which knows keeping kink in the bedroom just doesn’t cut it for you–you need more. Now, before you go jumping into the kinky dating pool and into the arms of the nearest kinkster who meets some of what you want, let’s take a moment to pause here.
Too often, kinksters are so excited to finally find themselves, their wholeness, their home, they go jumping into whatever relationship creeps up first, and that can be completely overwhelming. Let me share a friend's own trial-and-error in the lifestyle.
Her first Dominant had been in the lifestyle 20 years—she had been in it all of 20 minutes, and he began to talk about negotiations, taking things slow, easing me into the lifestyle. Well, anyone who knows her will tell you that her and patience are not good friends. So she pushed, and pushed, and somehow puppy-dog eyed her way into him letting us jump into a full 24/7, rule-filled dynamic.
Oh boy–was that a BAD IDEA. The rules felt overwhelming, she felt there was no pause, no time to process, and, at times, it felt more fake than a real relationship. It took only 2 weeks for her to realize he was right, and we needed to slow down the pace. And she's never made the mistake of jumping feet first into a full-blown dynamic since.
So what does taking it slow look like?
For myself and Bratty, it was having 5 to 10 rules (it varied as we tested out different rules and if they fit our life). These included:
- the title to call him in public.
- a bed time since sleep and I are about as good friends as patience and I.
- three times during the day to check in via text.
These were simpler rules, but still weaved his control into my day. As we continued to grow as a couple, and I grew as a kinkster, we added more intricate rules:
- positions to greet him with
- where to stand when we were in public
- stricter protocols for when we hosted kink parties or went to dungeons.
- of course other protocols for the bedroom which took kinky sex into the realm of kinky love making.
Now you and your partner may be ready to jump in with more rules. You know you best. As long as you are willing to adapt if it feels too overwhelming, or expand when you are needing more, you are well on your way to an amazing lifestyle you’ve been dreaming about.
Negotiating & Navigating
If you have ever worked in the corporate world, you know how fun mergers can be. Bringing two companies with completely different expectations, protocols, ways of doing things together requires a lot of patience, care, and negotiation.
Merging the vanilla world where the idea of calling someone Daddy can make people’s eyes go wide, with the kink world where spankings can be as sexual as they can be corrective—requires just as much care and concern. Yet, many a kinkster, forgets to sit down and negotiate with their partner just how much kink they will merge into their vanilla life–and how they will do it.
Even I, a huge negotiation promoter and educator, forget to talk out the details when I get too carried away in the thrill and excitement of a new dynamic. Vanilla life has a nice way of reminding me I forgot, as well, because suddenly I find myself disciplining for something that truly can’t fit into a vanilla life. And after Bratty stops being stubborn and trying to force the kinky shaped block into the square hole—I open up, talk to Bratty, and we adjust the way we do things.
So what are these areas to focus on? I like to break down my negotiations into the four spheres of my life:
- work
- social (friends/family)
- kink
- and general public.
This break down has helped me structure my negotiations of a lifestyle so me and my partner know, from the start, how we want our dynamic to mix into our vanilla life.
Work
Work is always an important aspect to discuss, whether working in an office, or from home. Honestly, merging work and kink was the aspect which made me the most nervous, because I didn’t want my private life to suddenly be public. That is when I discovered kink only had to fill as much of my work time as we wanted, and that even vanilla relationships don’t tend to seep into work outside of texting, phone calls, or a potential lunch date. When I realized that, it made negotiating how to integrate our power dynamic a lot easier. So we negotiated and agreed on set rules around the two ways we interacted in the work place: text and phone calls.
For text these were our rules:
- Text when arrived, at lunch break, and when I left (at minimum)
- Use title and conversation protocol in texts same as if were talking
- At lunch: checked in to see how our days were going, send picture of lunch (stress would a lot of time make me forget to eat), and (if able) ask permission to call
- When leaving work, text to check-in if there was anything I needed to pick up and to double check if what was planned for dinner was okay
- If no one around or in private area, use title, otherwise I would use his name (this also helped him to know whether I was in a private or more public setting)
- Any requests made (if of sexual nature) were not mandatory, but dependent on if they could be done with discretion and without impacting work
- There was always a phone call on the drive home unless for some reason work prevented us from it
Work: Remote
Thanks to good ole’ COVID, “work” has started to look a lot different for most of us. Some of us are remote, some back in the office, and some on a hybrid schedule. As I entered new dynamics during this time, I started navigating work negotiation within the realm of remote work.
While this affords a lot more freedom in what you are able to do and be private about, there can still be hesitancy to do certain things when in work mode. Negotiate and talk it out with your partner and go with what feels right for you. I tend to like to keep at least the protocol of set check-in times as it gives me something to look forward to during the day, and is a nice way to stick to a schedule and not let the work day sweep you away.
Social
Now mixing vanilla social life and kink is where things get interesting. Sure, if you are involved in the local BDSM community you may have a few kinky friends, but no doubt you have some friends who you can’t even fathom hearing you say “Sir” or hear you talk about “punishment.”
Depending when, where, and how often you get together with these friends, or with your family, will be a big part of determining how the social mixing of kink and non-kink looks in your dynamic. While most of my dynamics have been with people who were pretty open with their friends, I always make sure we spell out how our kink will look in front of family. For the most part, we basically ended up looking like a very respectful, 1950s style couple.
It still got a few looks of wonder and confusion at first, with 1950s style being out the window, but eventually, friends and family just adjusted to the idea. And that was important for me too. I wasn’t willing to give up my lifestyle in order to keep friends who judged it, but I also wasn’t going to throw it in their face if it was not something they consented to. Here are some ideas of things I’ve used for the social sphere:
- Sir was the title used by Bratty, but in the bedroom she switched to Daddy
- She would clear his plate from the table and offer to take others to kitchen
- Sitting down after me (this allowed me to choose where we sat)
- I would approach any males first and speak first before she would speak to them
- She always making sure my drink was full, and needs were met
BDSM Scene
That’s right. You should even discuss how kinky you will get when you are around kinksters. There are some couples who chose, even in kinky spaces, to not put their full dynamic on display.
On the other hand, I was in an M/s dynamic and in any kink space (outside of \
There may be some kink spaces where you are more comfortable showing certain protocols, and others where you are more just general D/s. Like a little’s event, may be the perfect time to show off your cutest age play outfit, and bring your lifesize unicorn to the dungeon.
General Public
Oh the great wide world of vanilla people–the sweet, innocent, non-kinksters who we must protect. I know, that sounds funny, but in order to be good stewards of BDSM and its emphasis on consent–we also have to respect the consent of vanillas (and their non-consent at having BDSM thrown in their face).
While this may sound frustrating, it actually is a fun way to have that naughty little secret no one else knows (unless they are kinksters) through discreet domination. What that means is there is a rule in place that either vanilla people wouldn’t even notice, or they wouldn’t equate with kink.
- Wearing a discreet public collar
- Having your Dominant sit down first at a restaurant
- Having the Dominant be the one who speaks to the waiting staff OR having the submissive order for the Dominant
- Using more subtle titles: Sir, Ma’am, babygirl, you can even make your own “pet names” but make it a rule they are a title in these scenarios
- Dominant opens all doors (or submissive does)
- Dominant handles all payment (even if the money is shared, the Dominant swipes the card etc)
Now these are just some ideas Bratty and I have used, and there are differing opinions on how to engage in BDSM in public. Some people are okay spanking in public, or having aspects of age play, or even being full blown M/s—it’s about what you are comfortable with and making sure those around you are comfortable too.
Yes, it is our right to practice BDSM, but in order for BDSM to be more accepted in society, we have to respect that some people do not accept or want to see BDSM. And the more we respect them, the more they will respect our practice and the way we show love. It is sad that right now we must hide parts of who we are, but we still have those small, discrete ways we can show other kinksters who we are—and through respect and mutual understanding, hopefully we can one day be able to live a BDSM lifestyle without fear.
SafeWords and Pause Words
Whew–with all that negotiating you might think you are ready to dip your toes into this lifestyle water, but we have one more topic to touch on: safewords and pause words.
Safewords are always a must. They will always be a must—and any kinkster who says they don’t accept or respect safe words is giving you a huge red flag. A safeword is the word that stops the play, scene, etc right there in that moment.
So let’s say you are doing some rope play at home, and you call your safeword because your hands are getting tingly from circulation loss, then all ropes are untied, and you and your partner decide whether to try again, or go into aftercare. Or if you are being disciplined and something goes wrong in your mind or body, your safeword ends discipline (though you may come back to it at a later time). But this word completely ends a scene, or play.
A pause word, on the other hand, is something I was actually just introduced to during the negotiation stage with a couple. Their pause word was using their real names instead of titles. They didn’t ever use each others first names, except in a scenario where they needed to have a husband to wife conversation without any power dynamics or worrying about any rules around speech. It’s like pressing the pause button on the power dynamics and being able to have some of those hard conversations couples do.
Now the pause word can lead to a pause period, where the dynamic is put on the back burner in order for you to be able to focus all your energies on something going on in your life (i.e., a move, a loss, a job change). But the concept of a pause word truly has transformed my practice. Looking back on times when I just need to talk to my sub as the woman I loved, not as my sub, not having to worry about cursing or crying or curling up into my arms without getting permission first—it could have saved me a lot of worry. Granted, this did occur even without a pause word, and my Dominant knew me well enough to know it wasn’t a punishable or rule-focused time, but the stress I put myself under trying to maintain rules when I really just needed my lover there—it would have been nice to be able to escape that.
Make Your Kinky Dreams a Reality
With all your bases covered, and negotiations done. Safe words and pause words in place. And rules laid out and agreed upon. Well, my lovely kinksters, it’s time for you to go let your wildest kink lifestyle dreams become a reality. There may be some hiccups, and you may have to tweak things here and there, but that is the beauty of BDSM–there is always room for change, growth, and learning.
And, trust me, that moment you have your “There is no way this can be real, but it is” moment in BDSM, will make every hiccup, lesson learned, and every lovely kink article read, well worth it.
Go forth and live your dreams–you deserve it!
